The Groove

Present Day

It is my weekend to cover first appearances at the Suwannee County Jail, for people who were arrested the day before. I am the defense attorney who stands before the judge and makes sure that their rights are protected. I review the reason for the arrest and argue against probable cause if necessary, and I also see that they are given a bond if they are entitled to one.

The judge for this weekend wants these done at 7:30 am, so I had to rise very early this morning to put on my suit and tie.

I have never been a morning person, and I never will be. It is probably one of the main reasons that I remain single. Mornings are such a war for me to get up and get my body and brain running. I do not want anyone around for that process, in my space, as it only makes it harder.

In 2004 and 2005, I lived on the beach for a year. Not once did I get up to watch the sun rise over the water.

I can tell that the chemicals in my brain function differently in those early hours, as my perception of the world and my existence are at variance, like I am in another dimension with altered rules of time and space. I have never wanted children, really, in part because I know how much more difficult the mornings will be with kids.

Also, if I have a job that I do not especially like, the bad feelings are amplified much more. I found myself in that situation a couple of times in the past few years.

But I am lucky, now. I like my job a lot. I am so much happier than I was this same time last year. My job makes mornings much more tolerable.

I also walk to work, and this helps get me right for the day.

On Friday nights, I typically go to "The Brown Lantern," a restaurant and bar in Live Oak. Recently, I was sitting at the bar talking with another attorney, and he asked me how I like Live Oak.

"I like it a lot," I answered. "Over the past 10 years or so, I've had many jobs and lived many places, but I hope I can stay here a long time."

"That's good," he said.

"I realize that I am in a groove, now," I continued. "I enjoy my job and it is not that hard for me. I hope to build a career here. If things continue like they feel right now, then five, ten, even fifteen years are going to slip past me very quickly."

"It can happen," he said...

As I sit at my desk and type this blog entry, life is great. I work hard at my job, and it is rewarding. There is free time to play in a summer softball league, work on a novel, use my back yard telescope to study the stars and planets, and watch satellite TV.

But the gnawing loneliness, ever present, seems to have intensified since I moved to Live Oak in June. I know that is not the fault of this town. The loneliness has always been there. I just notice it more now because everything else in my life is in order and running smoothly. Further, I am a seasoned veteran at fighting that battle. My hormones do not rage as strongly as they did when I was a teenager and in my 20s. Now that I am in my 30s, the realization has hit me that I may very well be alone my entire life. Some of the most important years in that regard have already passed. It is not the most pleasant thought, of course, but if that is my fate, I can handle it and still be happy.

In my last year of law school, I listened to a Florida State baseball game on the radio. They were playing at Georgia, and I heard the broadcaster describe two Georgia players going for a fly ball. They collided on the field, and one of them did not get up. After a long delay where he lay motionless in the grass, he was carried off in an ambulance. My fear for him came true- he was paralyzed from the neck down.

I think about that guy often- how young he was and is and how much was taken from him in an instant. Things like that are not supposed to happen to a 20 year old playing baseball. His daily battles are beyond fathom to me- what he must think, feel and remember each morning when he wakes up.

So I am grateful for my existence. I realize that I am not guaranteed anything going forward. But I find myself in a good spot at the present, and I am doing my best to enjoy it.

The 15-Year Throw

Present Day



Softball has been the hi-light of my life for the past few weeks.

I am sad to say that the season came to an end a few days ago, during the double elimination tournament. Our last two games were especially enjoyable for me, though, because I got to play the infield.

Growing up and playing baseball, the position I almost always handled was second base. I can remember being taught to turn the double-play. If the ball was hit to me with a runner on first, depending on how close I was to the bag, I could do a sort of side-armed, hinged pitch to the shortstop covering the bag.

I remember Tim McCarver, a former player and longtime sports commentator, once saying that he was amazed by how accurate the major league second basemen were with that type of throw. I was always pretty accurate with it as a boy, too, and it became my favorite play on the infield.

As an adult playing softball, I rarely got the chance to be at second base. Earlier this week, though, our regular second baseman pulled a muscle. The team captain asked who could fill in, and I told him that I could do the job.

That same inning, with a runner on first, a ball was hit sharply to me. I fielded it and made the sideways throw to the shortstop. It was a great sensation. The only thing that would have been better was turning the double play off of it. There were already two outs in the inning, though, so my pitch to the shortstop ended the inning and ended the game, actually.

It was probably the first time in 15 years that I had made that throw in an organized softball or baseball game.

Here is a link to a second baseman in the major leagues performing the throw that I am talking about:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNJXas_9sr4

Based on how well I played second, I got moved to shortstop for our last game, as our three best players could not make it. Though we lost the game pretty handily, being the center of the action on the infield, as shortstops almost always are, was also extremely enjoyable for me. I can not remember ever being assigned to play shortstop in an actual game before.

After the game, most of the team went to Dairy Queen. They asked if I would be interested in playing next year, to which I responded, "If I am invited, I will definitely play."

"You're invited," came the chorus.

As I am about 10 years older than the next oldest guy on the team, it was a great feeling. In my head, I am the same age as these guys.

Live Oak Lightning

Present Day

My quality of life is as good right now as it has been since I was a student... If I could figure out a way to make money as a student, that is probably what I would be for the rest of my years.

As I am not smart enough to be paid to go to school, though, I am fortunate to have found a good job in Suwannee County, Florida.

Living here has been very pleasant, thus far. It is the small town experience, and after some stints in big cities where the cost of living is high, traffic is stressful and dangerous, hordes of people are always trying to do the exact same thing that you are doing, and you sort of feel invisible, I welcome living in a small town.

One of my favorite things is playing in a softball league. I was able to make connections quickly after moving here and got on a team in less than a month after becoming a resident.

The only way for an adult male to play softball around here is in the church league. One of the local Baptist churches was good enough to add me to their team roster as a non-member.

A couple of nights ago, we played a triple-header.

As the sun dipped below the horizon and the sky turned to a dark blue, storm clouds formed on the horizon. Streaks of lightning soon followed, though they were far enough off that we kept on playing.

After one particularly wicked streak across the sky, one of our best players, sitting in the dugout, yelled, "It's all right. I'm just going to hang on to this metal fence."

I played in the outfield for most of the three games. It was relaxing and beautiful to watch the streaks of lightning circle us on the horizon, against a deep, dark blue sky.

It was one of those moments when I really appreciated being alive and free on the face of the earth.