Love Bugs

Present Day

After my usual Friday night at the Brown Lantern Bar in Live Oak, and then my Saturday morning sleep-in, I got up and went for a run.

My most common route is to jog about a mile and a half south down highway 129, to where the sidewalk ends heading out of town. At that point, the road becomes two lane through the swamps, woods and farm fields for twenty-five miles or so until you reach Branford, an even smaller town than Live Oak, at the southern end of Suwannee County. I turn around and come back when the sidewalk ends, though, which makes for approximately three miles total that I jog.

On this day, I noticed that many love bugs were flying about. They hit me in my face, chest and arms as I ran. I made note of the time of year- early September- and it reminded me of the first time that I had ever seen bugs like that.

It was the beginning of the fall semester at Florida State Law in Tallahassee, 2008.

These bugs were freaky looking to me then. Two were attached to each other, flying in different directions and unable to separate. I asked someone (I cannot remember whom) what they were, and was told that the government had synthetically designed them be mosquito eaters. The design did not go as planned, though, and the two-headed creatures escaped to multiply and multiply.

I actually believed the story and repeated it a few times before I looked them up on line and found out otherwise- that they were common "love bugs."

While the creatures sort of got in the way during my run on Saturday, they also brought back a pleasant memory.

The fall of 2008 was an exciting time for me. It was the start of a great three years of school, a new city, and a lot of new people. The bugs were everywhere in September 2008 in Tallahassee, but they were just part of new and fun experience- like Spanish Moss in the oak trees, or orange palm tree fruit, or Florida State football. I did not mind them in September of 2008, or in September of 2013.

Too Much Orange Juice

Present Day.

I just got through doing five jury trials in five days. Prior to landing this job in June, I had been out of the courtroom for a year, so it felt good to pick a jury again and break out all of my trial materials.

Obviously, this was a busy week. I stayed in the office late, working on the cases and not sleeping much. I am lucky, though, in that I can take it. I can do this job and do it well, and it does not take a heavy toll on me...

Orange juice can be one of my favorite drinks. If I have not had it in a week or so, I can almost feel the healthy energy pouring into my body when I down a glass.

As nutritious as it is, I can also tell when I have had too much orange juice to drink.

For one, it is not as refreshing. My body is not craving it. Also, I can feel and taste the acidity of it. My tongue begins to get sore. If I continue to drink it, tiny ulcers will actually form in my mouth from the acid.

The same can be said of alcohol. I will never become an alcoholic. The warm, fuzzy feeling of a "buzz" is something that I enjoy as much as the next person, but I can also tell when I have put too much alcohol into my body over a period of days. First, it is an ache in my head, like my brain is being pickled in alcohol. When I get to that point, my tongue and stomach also both begin to reject the taste and the feel of it going down. Each sip seems like I am ingesting poison, and I have to stop. It becomes impossible to reach the "buzz," and sometimes it takes a couple of weeks to get the alcohol out of my system and where I can enjoy a drink again.

The analogy carries over to the jobs that I have held. Studying in law school was actually fun for me. Learning a new concept was like drinking a glass of orange juice when I was thirsty.

But the real world of law firm billing puts it all in a different form. Concepts of law are jammed down your throat, and you have to spit out product quickly, hour after hour, day after day without time for your mind to rest or think about anything else.

It is much like being forced to drink glass after glass of orange juice, every day. And the way my mind and body react to that kind of job is much the same as they react to too much orange juice or too much alcohol.

There are people (perhaps most people, in fact) who can take that kind of work environment without much difficulty. They also seem to be able to handle alcohol better than me... Unfortunately, many of the girls I was attracted to in years past could go out and get intoxicated on a nightly basis, with no apparent effect on their day time activities. They found guys to match, of course, and I found myself on the sidelines without many ways to relate to them.

The point of these comparisons is to say that my current job with the Public Defender's Office is different. You can pour on the case load and the trials, and it does not phase me. It is stressful with someone's life and future in your hands, of course, but it is a different sort of bodily stress than what I felt in the billable hour system, or working under a sales quota, or working for the Post Office.

It does not bother me that I wake up in the morning having dreamed all night about this job. I still get a good night's sleep if I am dreaming about a case. It does not exhaust my mind and body the same way as it did when I worked at the Post Office and had dreams about it, too.

So, I was aggressive this month in going to trial. Being aggressive makes me feel like I am doing a good job, though it kicked up a dust storm.

I like where I am at and what I am doing, and I hope to be able to continue to do it. I also hope that I am not giving everyone else too much orange juice to drink.

The Groove

Present Day

It is my weekend to cover first appearances at the Suwannee County Jail, for people who were arrested the day before. I am the defense attorney who stands before the judge and makes sure that their rights are protected. I review the reason for the arrest and argue against probable cause if necessary, and I also see that they are given a bond if they are entitled to one.

The judge for this weekend wants these done at 7:30 am, so I had to rise very early this morning to put on my suit and tie.

I have never been a morning person, and I never will be. It is probably one of the main reasons that I remain single. Mornings are such a war for me to get up and get my body and brain running. I do not want anyone around for that process, in my space, as it only makes it harder.

In 2004 and 2005, I lived on the beach for a year. Not once did I get up to watch the sun rise over the water.

I can tell that the chemicals in my brain function differently in those early hours, as my perception of the world and my existence are at variance, like I am in another dimension with altered rules of time and space. I have never wanted children, really, in part because I know how much more difficult the mornings will be with kids.

Also, if I have a job that I do not especially like, the bad feelings are amplified much more. I found myself in that situation a couple of times in the past few years.

But I am lucky, now. I like my job a lot. I am so much happier than I was this same time last year. My job makes mornings much more tolerable.

I also walk to work, and this helps get me right for the day.

On Friday nights, I typically go to "The Brown Lantern," a restaurant and bar in Live Oak. Recently, I was sitting at the bar talking with another attorney, and he asked me how I like Live Oak.

"I like it a lot," I answered. "Over the past 10 years or so, I've had many jobs and lived many places, but I hope I can stay here a long time."

"That's good," he said.

"I realize that I am in a groove, now," I continued. "I enjoy my job and it is not that hard for me. I hope to build a career here. If things continue like they feel right now, then five, ten, even fifteen years are going to slip past me very quickly."

"It can happen," he said...

As I sit at my desk and type this blog entry, life is great. I work hard at my job, and it is rewarding. There is free time to play in a summer softball league, work on a novel, use my back yard telescope to study the stars and planets, and watch satellite TV.

But the gnawing loneliness, ever present, seems to have intensified since I moved to Live Oak in June. I know that is not the fault of this town. The loneliness has always been there. I just notice it more now because everything else in my life is in order and running smoothly. Further, I am a seasoned veteran at fighting that battle. My hormones do not rage as strongly as they did when I was a teenager and in my 20s. Now that I am in my 30s, the realization has hit me that I may very well be alone my entire life. Some of the most important years in that regard have already passed. It is not the most pleasant thought, of course, but if that is my fate, I can handle it and still be happy.

In my last year of law school, I listened to a Florida State baseball game on the radio. They were playing at Georgia, and I heard the broadcaster describe two Georgia players going for a fly ball. They collided on the field, and one of them did not get up. After a long delay where he lay motionless in the grass, he was carried off in an ambulance. My fear for him came true- he was paralyzed from the neck down.

I think about that guy often- how young he was and is and how much was taken from him in an instant. Things like that are not supposed to happen to a 20 year old playing baseball. His daily battles are beyond fathom to me- what he must think, feel and remember each morning when he wakes up.

So I am grateful for my existence. I realize that I am not guaranteed anything going forward. But I find myself in a good spot at the present, and I am doing my best to enjoy it.

The 15-Year Throw

Present Day



Softball has been the hi-light of my life for the past few weeks.

I am sad to say that the season came to an end a few days ago, during the double elimination tournament. Our last two games were especially enjoyable for me, though, because I got to play the infield.

Growing up and playing baseball, the position I almost always handled was second base. I can remember being taught to turn the double-play. If the ball was hit to me with a runner on first, depending on how close I was to the bag, I could do a sort of side-armed, hinged pitch to the shortstop covering the bag.

I remember Tim McCarver, a former player and longtime sports commentator, once saying that he was amazed by how accurate the major league second basemen were with that type of throw. I was always pretty accurate with it as a boy, too, and it became my favorite play on the infield.

As an adult playing softball, I rarely got the chance to be at second base. Earlier this week, though, our regular second baseman pulled a muscle. The team captain asked who could fill in, and I told him that I could do the job.

That same inning, with a runner on first, a ball was hit sharply to me. I fielded it and made the sideways throw to the shortstop. It was a great sensation. The only thing that would have been better was turning the double play off of it. There were already two outs in the inning, though, so my pitch to the shortstop ended the inning and ended the game, actually.

It was probably the first time in 15 years that I had made that throw in an organized softball or baseball game.

Here is a link to a second baseman in the major leagues performing the throw that I am talking about:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNJXas_9sr4

Based on how well I played second, I got moved to shortstop for our last game, as our three best players could not make it. Though we lost the game pretty handily, being the center of the action on the infield, as shortstops almost always are, was also extremely enjoyable for me. I can not remember ever being assigned to play shortstop in an actual game before.

After the game, most of the team went to Dairy Queen. They asked if I would be interested in playing next year, to which I responded, "If I am invited, I will definitely play."

"You're invited," came the chorus.

As I am about 10 years older than the next oldest guy on the team, it was a great feeling. In my head, I am the same age as these guys.

Live Oak Lightning

Present Day

My quality of life is as good right now as it has been since I was a student... If I could figure out a way to make money as a student, that is probably what I would be for the rest of my years.

As I am not smart enough to be paid to go to school, though, I am fortunate to have found a good job in Suwannee County, Florida.

Living here has been very pleasant, thus far. It is the small town experience, and after some stints in big cities where the cost of living is high, traffic is stressful and dangerous, hordes of people are always trying to do the exact same thing that you are doing, and you sort of feel invisible, I welcome living in a small town.

One of my favorite things is playing in a softball league. I was able to make connections quickly after moving here and got on a team in less than a month after becoming a resident.

The only way for an adult male to play softball around here is in the church league. One of the local Baptist churches was good enough to add me to their team roster as a non-member.

A couple of nights ago, we played a triple-header.

As the sun dipped below the horizon and the sky turned to a dark blue, storm clouds formed on the horizon. Streaks of lightning soon followed, though they were far enough off that we kept on playing.

After one particularly wicked streak across the sky, one of our best players, sitting in the dugout, yelled, "It's all right. I'm just going to hang on to this metal fence."

I played in the outfield for most of the three games. It was relaxing and beautiful to watch the streaks of lightning circle us on the horizon, against a deep, dark blue sky.

It was one of those moments when I really appreciated being alive and free on the face of the earth.

The California Postal Exams

Spring, 2006.

I enjoy living in Las Vegas, but the pay structure at the car dealership is like no other job that I have ever held. I am compensated 100 percent on commission. So, even if I have a good month, it is hard for me to relax or go out and have a good time because I do not know how much money I will make the following month. I might need to save what I can, in case my sales drop off.

What would be great is a sales job that gives me a solid base salary, and then the opportunity to earn a healthy bonus based on commission. Those kinds of jobs are hard to find, though, especially with my lack of experience. Also, I am writing screenplays and trying to get an agent out here on the West Coast, so I want a job that will give me the free time to do that. To be a good salesman, you really need to be putting in 12 hour days.

For whatever reason, the U.S. Postal Service comes to mind. That looks like a good government job. You just walk around outside, going house to house delivering letters.

I have inquired at the Las Vegas Post Office numerous times about openings- to the point where they have told me to quit asking. So the next best place is California.

The way to gain full time employment with the Post Office is to look on line for where they are giving the postal exam. You take the test with a bunch of other people at that location, and then based on your score you are placed on a list to be interviewed. The test is not even offered unless the Post Office is looking to hire people for that location.

There are two spots in California right now- Bakersfield and Oxnard, and I have registered to take the test for both.

The Bakersfield test is first, and it is given early in the morning. So I need to make the four hour drive the night before and stay in a hotel.

The ride across the Mojave desert is beautiful. As I leave Las Vegas, I begin to go up in elevation. Soon I see Joshua Trees sprawling across the desert floor.

I stop in Barstow, California and eat at a nice, small Italian Restaurant. There would be nothing to this town if it was not the convergence of Interstate 15 and Interstate 40. Barstow is actually where I-40 West ends. I-40 West begins in Wilmington, North Carolina, where I was born.

After eating at the Italian Restaurant, I drive on Highway 58 toward Bakersfield. Now, instead of Joshua Trees, numerous oil well pumps cover the ground. I have never seen anything like it, nor have I ever seen such enormous fields of oranges and other fruits that I do not have time to stop and identify.

I arrive in Bakersfield in the late afternoon and check into a room at a Motel 6. There is an IHOP restaurant across the parking lot from the hotel. As the sun sets, I go here to eat dinner. Almost everyone else in the restaurant looks to be a truck driver.

That night in my hotel room, I get ready to take a shower. I've brought my own bar of Dove soap. As I walk across the carpet to the bathroom and shower, I accidentally drop the bar on the floor. When I pick it up, I notice that tiny green leaves are sticking to the soap, and I have to assume it is marijuana.

After taking my shower, I spread out on one of the two beds in the room. I do not stay there for long, though, as I see a large crack in the ceiling above me. Water is dripping from it right onto the bed. Fortunately, the other bed does not have this problem, and I get a pretty good night's sleep.

The test itself seems to be pretty easy, based on other tests I have taken in high school and college, and I honestly do not have many specific memories of it.

***

A few weeks later is the Oxnard test.

I repeat the drive across the desert, only I stay on I-15 in Barstow across the Sierra Nevada Mountains.

Coming down the west side of the mountains, I encounter one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen in nature. Still high in elevation, below me are miles and miles of orange groves. The green plants stretch as far as I can see. In the distance is Los Angeles, a relatively small space on the horizon, shrouded in smog.

I drive through Los Angeles, specifically Burbank, and I have to smile as I pass by exits for various movie studios. This is the place where I want to be.

Oxnard itself is a beautiful little coastal town, though I can tell it must be very expensive to live here. But I manage to find another cheap hotel for the night.

After taking the test the following morning, I decide to drive the two or three miles to the ocean, as I have never seen the Pacific before.

When I find the beach, I take off my shoes and walk in the water. Out in the ocean, a couple of mountainous pieces of land jut from the water. They are big enough for multiple houses, if one actually wanted to build there.

I pull out my cell phone and place a call to my brother back in North Carolina.

"Hey Adam, guess where I am?"

"Where?" he asks.

"I am standing in the Pacific Ocean."

Adam thinks that is pretty cool.

I continue talking. "My fourth grade teacher told me that in California, you can stand in the Pacific Ocean and behind you see snow on the mountains. You know what? She was right. I am standing in the ocean, and behind me are the Sierra Nevada Mountains. I can see snow on the tops of some of them."

My Favorite Doughnut

Late 1970s/ Early 1980s. Wilmington, North Carolina.



One of my earliest memories is riding in the back seat of my parents' car, a tan late 70s model Ford Fairmont.

My seat was always behind mom, or the right side passenger. My younger brother, Adam, sat behind dad. We were small enough that both my brother and I liked to rock back and forth, bouncing against the rear seat. These were the days before back seats had shoulder strap seat belts. Truthfully, I do not even remember wearing a seat belt in the back seat until I was a few years older, though Mom and Dad may have buckled us up.

Adam and I could hit the back of the seat as hard as we wanted with no harm done to either us or the leather interior- we were both that small.

I also remember Dad driving us to a Krispy Creme Doughnut shop some evenings after Sunday night church services. A cream filled doughnut is my first memory of tasting something sweet. Cream filled doughnuts from Krispy Creme remain my favorite, though I try not to order them often, so that I can keep the taste special for me. When I bite into one or even just smell it, I can see in my mind the fluorescent lit green and white shop set against the dark sky of a Wilmington night, and I remember riding in that Ford car, rocking and bouncing against the back seat.