The Christmas Tree in the Lobby

Last year at this time I was living and working in Kissimmee, Florida, with the Public Defender's Office.

In the lobby of the Osceola County Courthouse stood a beautiful Christmas tree.

The specific courtroom where I worked every day was on the 4th floor. During the Christmas season, I made a point not to take the stairs so that I could enjoy the tree in the lobby while I waited for the elevator.

There was something about that tree that reminded me of the Christmas tree at my Uncle Ray and Aunt Margaret's house.

Aunt Margaret is my mom's twin sister. She married Uncle Ray and had one child, Beth, who is a little older than me.

As a young child, Aunt Margaret and Uncle Ray's house is where we went to celebrate Christmas on mom's side of the family. They lived in Zebulon, NC.

Just like Maple Hill on my dad's side, there was plenty of space to play at Uncle Ray's house. Sports, either watching it on television, or playing outside, is how we passed a lot of the time there after eating a huge lunch.

Uncle Ray had a basketball goal, but it was a little hard to bounce the basketball because we played on the grass lawn.

The yard was big enough for baseball games, too, which I enjoyed with my cousins and other aunts and uncles.

Uncle Ray was a huge fan of Duke University sports teams. Usually, Duke played a basketball game when we visited on Christmas, and he made sure to be watching that after we had lunch.

I will probably write about Uncle Ray a number of times in future blog entries.

I never knew Archie Carter, my grandfather on my mom's side- he died when mom was just 14. Grandma Carter passed away in 1995, just after I graduated from high school.

But I still had all of my aunts, uncles and cousins from the Carter side, and family gatherings were still quite special in that regard.

Uncle Ray died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack in February of 2009, though- during my first year of law school.

I regret not going to the funeral, now. I was in school in Florida when he died. I remember standing in the first floor lobby of the law school, listening to the voice mail from my brother telling me the news. At that time, I was obsessed about keeping my GPA as high as possible, as I thought my future and the future of my family really depended on it. If I had it to do over, though, sacrificing some GPA points would have been worth being with my family during that terrible, shocking time.

I am still not over the loss of Uncle Ray. It is probably a personality flaw that I can hold on to things like this, rather than setting them down and moving on. But the rage I feel toward god about what happened to my Uncle Ray and in turn the pain it caused Aunt Margaret and my cousin Beth is only numbed by my ever growing suspicion that there is no god, or at least not one that can be personified and that cares about us.

In my mind, aside from my grandparents, there are cardinal members on each side of my family who form the nucleus of who we were and are as a family. Uncle Ray was one of those cardinal members. He was also the first to die.

The Christmas tree in the lobby of the courthouse in Kissimmee reminded me of the tree at Uncle Ray's house at Christmas. The tree in the lobby reminded me of Uncle Ray.

I do not know if I will ever see Uncle Ray again. I have my doubts, but those doubts are too dark for me to dwell upon...and I also must try to hope. There is really almost no other choice but to hope.

I take joy in his memory and the memories of the Christmases past at his house, and of the beautiful tree with the glowing lights that added to the pleasure of being with family.

Nathan Marshburn