Rather than heading out to hit the usual restaurants and bars of Live Oak on this Friday night, I am staying at home. I have dumped a little more cash at these places than I would prefer over the past couple of weeks, and also my body is telling me to take a break.
So I stay in and try to watch the College World Series- Ole Miss versus UVA- but that gets rained out. There is also World Cup soccer. This is okay entertainment, but I really do not understand the game of soccer well enough to appreciate it, and I grow tired of watching players flop on the ground in fake agony, only to hop up like nothing happened. I suppose if I had been raised playing soccer, like I was with baseball, the World Cup would be more meaningful to me.
So I am alone with my thoughts, sitting in my living room. After typing a couple of pages for the novel I am working on, I head out to look at the stars at around 2:30 am. My handheld planetarium/ GPS tells me that Saturn is up and points me to where it is in the sky. Unfortunately, oak trees block my view.
If I could see Saturn, I would bring out my telescope. The last time I viewed Saturn through my scope was in 2005 at Carolina Beach, NC. My scope is strong enough for me to clearly see the rings of Saturn.
The summer triangle is directly overhead, consisting of the stars Altair, Deneb and Vega.
Looking up at the stars is always a wondrous thing for me. It reminds me of how much there is out there to explore and learn. The human species has not even gotten started. Our existence is like the blink of an eye in the lifetime of what is to come.
Studying the stars sometimes triggers sadness in me, though. I admit that I am prone to little bouts with depression, especially on nights like this when I am alone. But I do not worry about that too much. In truth, I think it is a natural part of the human condition to be depressed at times. A person who is never depressed is not really paying attention to the world around them, in my opinion. Perhaps that is the happiest way to go through life, though- to stay busy with work or family or whatever and just not think about things too much. I am happiest now when I am at work, caught up in arguing a case in front of a judge or jury, or battling the prosecutor about some other matter. It keeps my mind occupied.
Looking up at the stars makes me feel claustrophobic as well. To think these stars in constellations like the Big Dipper and Orion are the closest to earth, and they are still thousands and millions of light years away, untouchable and unreachable, and to know that there are perhaps billions of galaxies- not stars, galaxies- out in the darkness that I cannot see, creates in me the sensation that I am like a frog trapped in a glass jar.
In law school, I experienced for the first time the frustration of not being smarter. I recognized that the professors there, and some of the students, could run circles around me intellectually. I sometimes as well felt their contempt for me in not being able to keep up.
This has helped me be more patient in dealing with clients in my job with the Public Defender’s Office, as I have seen other lawyers look at the clients the same way that I saw some professors look at me.
One of my classmates with whom I have remained in contact after graduation said to me, “I can understand the allure of being a Public Defender. When you’re talking with clients, you’re always the smartest guy in the room.”
I had never thought of it that way, but I suppose he is right. That view kind of takes the nobility out of the work, though.
Anyway, the stars remind me of law school and that I am not nearly smart enough to understand the universe the way other humans on this planet do. And even the most intelligent humans who have ever lived probably have the equivalent of a gnat’s comprehension of the true nature of our existence. There are those scientists who hypothesize that multiple other universes exist in other dimensions, perhaps an infinite number of dimensions and universes, both larger and smaller than our own. I suspect they are right, and all of this is just far more complex than I or any human can ever hope to fathom. There is claustrophobia at what I cannot see and sense and understand.
This is part of my frustration with religions, as well. Religions just offer too simple an explanation of our existence and purpose. Yet many people insist that you believe the same as they do, or you are not socially acceptable, and you also risk some sort of eternal punishment.
This blog entry is a ramble, but these are the things on my mind at 2:30 in the morning, in my back yard, looking up at the night sky.
Saturday night will be different. I plan to go out, have a nice meal with adult beverages, and enjoy listening to a band play Southern Rock music. I will watch the beautiful women of Suwannee County who also decide to come out, and I will try to have a conversation with them. I hope I will be generally distracted, and I hope it will be fun.
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